Have you ever felt that your partner seems emotionally distant, struggles to express feelings, or reacts with confusion when you talk about emotions? Or perhaps you’ve noticed that you struggle to identify or express what you feel.
This might not be a lack of love or care. It could be a sign of alexithymia in relationships, a condition that affects how people experience, understand, and communicate emotions.
While not a mental illness, alexithymia can create emotional disconnect in relationships. It can make one or both partners feel misunderstood, lonely, or frustrated. But with awareness and effort, couples can learn to bridge this emotional gap and foster a deeper, more fulfilling connection.
In this guide, Christina Wade, couples therapist, +++++++what alexithymia looks like in romantic relationships, how it affects emotional intimacy, and what both partners can do to improve understanding and connection.
What Is Alexithymia?
The word alexithymia comes from Greek roots meaning “no words for emotions.” People with alexithymia often find it difficult to identify and describe their feelings. They might recognize physical sensations like tension or restlessness but struggle to label them as “anxiety” or “sadness.”
Alexithymia exists on a spectrum. Some people have mild difficulties expressing emotions, while others may have more profound challenges that affect their daily lives and relationships.
It can occur in anyone but is often associated with conditions such as:
- Autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
- Depression
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
- Traumatic childhood experiences
- Chronic stress or emotional suppression
Importantly, alexithymia does not mean someone lacks empathy or doesn’t care. Instead, they may simply lack the tools to recognize and communicate what they feel.
How Alexithymia Affects Relationships
In relationships, emotions act as the glue that creates intimacy. When one partner struggles to identify or express feelings, that glue can weaken over time.
Here are some common ways alexithymia affects relationships:
1. Emotional Distance
The partner with alexithymia might seem emotionally detached or unresponsive. They may not know how to comfort their partner during distress, leading to misunderstandings like “They don’t care” or “They’re cold.”
2. Miscommunication
Because emotions are hard to name or express, communication may stay surface-level. Arguments can arise from unmet emotional needs that neither partner fully understands.
3. Frustration and Resentment
The emotionally expressive partner may feel rejected or unseen, while the alexithymic partner feels pressured or inadequate. Over time, this can build resentment on both sides.
4. Difficulty Resolving Conflicts
Without emotional vocabulary, discussing sensitive issues becomes difficult. Instead of expressing feelings like hurt or disappointment, one might withdraw, get defensive, or shut down entirely.
5. Reduced Intimacy
Emotional sharing deepens trust and closeness. When one partner struggles to connect on that level, the other might feel lonely even when physically together.
Recognizing Alexithymia in a Relationships
Alexithymia often goes unnoticed because it doesn’t show up as a clear disorder. Instead, it appears through subtle behaviors or patterns.
You or your partner might have alexithymic traits if you notice these signs:
- Difficulty describing feelings or moods
- Preferring facts, logic, or tasks over emotional discussions
- Saying “I don’t know” when asked how you feel
- Appearing indifferent during emotional moments
- Struggling to empathize or respond to emotional cues
- Viewing emotions as unnecessary or confusing
- Suppressing feelings to avoid discomfort
It’s important not to diagnose your partner or yourself but to use these signs as clues. Recognizing them is the first step toward understanding and growth.
The Side Effects of Alexithymia in Relationships
1. Emotional Loneliness
Partners of alexithymic individuals often describe a sense of emotional loneliness. They may feel they are in a relationship without true emotional exchange. Even when everything looks fine on the surface, something feels missing — the warmth, openness, and emotional responsiveness that create a deep bond.
2. Communication Breakdowns
When emotional needs go unspoken or unrecognized, communication can become strained. One partner might interpret silence as disinterest, while the other feels overwhelmed by emotional expectations they don’t understand.
3. Increased Conflict
Misunderstandings can quickly escalate into conflict. For example, one partner might say, “You never tell me how you feel,” while the other, confused, might reply, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” Over time, this can lead to defensiveness and emotional fatigue.
4. Suppressed Emotions
Both partners may start to suppress emotions. The non-alexithymic partner may stop expressing feelings to avoid disappointment or conflict, creating emotional numbness in the relationship.
5. Impact on Physical Intimacy
Emotional connection often fuels physical intimacy. When emotional sharing feels limited, physical closeness can also decline, leading to feelings of rejection or inadequacy.
How to Work on Alexithymia in Relationships
The good news is that relationships affected by alexithymia can still thrive. It requires patience, empathy, and practical strategies that help both partners communicate and connect more effectively.
Here are six evidence-based steps to work on it:
1. Start with Awareness
Awareness is the foundation of change. Recognizing alexithymic traits is the first step toward improving emotional connection. If you suspect you or your partner has alexithymia, treat it as an opportunity for understanding rather than blame.
You might say:
“I’ve noticed we both struggle to talk about feelings sometimes. I want us to learn how to connect emotionally, not just logically.”
This approach fosters teamwork rather than criticism. Many people with alexithymia are unaware of their difficulty with emotions until it’s pointed out compassionately.
2. Learn the Language of Emotions
For someone with alexithymia, emotions can feel vague and confusing. Learning emotional vocabulary can make feelings more tangible and easier to share.
You can start by:
- Using emotion charts or wheels that list common feelings (like joy, fear, sadness, anger).
- Checking in daily by naming one emotion and what triggered it.
- Journaling sensations (tight chest, tension) and linking them to possible feelings.
Over time, this practice helps the alexithymic partner recognize patterns, which leads to more meaningful emotional exchanges.
3. Focus on Physical Sensations as Emotional Clues
Because alexithymic individuals often experience emotions as physical sensations, it helps to notice body signals. For instance:
- A racing heart might indicate anxiety.
- Tight shoulders might signal frustration.
- A warm chest might mean affection or happiness.
Encouraging body awareness bridges the gap between the physical and emotional worlds. This can help your partner understand their emotions from a more grounded perspective.
4. Practice Reflective Listening
When one partner shares something emotional, the alexithymic partner can practice reflective listening. This means restating what was heard and showing understanding, even if they don’t fully grasp the emotional depth.
Example:
Partner: “I felt really hurt when you ignored my message.”
Response: “You felt hurt because I didn’t respond. I didn’t realize it affected you that way. Thank you for telling me.”
Reflective listening reduces defensiveness and validates the other person’s emotions. Over time, it creates safety for deeper emotional communication.
5. Keep Conversations Simple and Specific
Instead of broad emotional questions like “How do you feel about us?” try specific, concrete prompts such as:
- “What was the best part of your day?”
- “Did anything make you uncomfortable today?”
- “When that happened, what went through your mind?”
This makes it easier for an alexithymic partner to engage without feeling overwhelmed. Emotional depth can grow gradually through small, consistent conversations.
6. Seek Professional Support
Working with a therapist who understands alexithymia can make a big difference. Therapy provides a safe space to explore emotional patterns, learn self-awareness, and practice communication tools.
Couples therapy can help both partners:
- Understand emotional processing differences.
- Develop empathy and patience for each other’s experiences.
- Learn structured communication strategies.
- Strengthen emotional and physical intimacy.
Christina Wade emphasizes, “Therapy is not about fixing your partner. It’s about learning how to connect in a way that feels safe and authentic for both of you.”
7. Celebrate Small Wins
Emotional growth takes time, especially for someone learning to identify feelings for the first time. Celebrate every step, no matter how small.
When your partner names a feeling, expresses concern, or offers empathy, acknowledge it. Positive reinforcement builds confidence and motivation to keep improving.
You can say:
“I really appreciate that you shared how you felt today. It helps me feel closer to you.”
These moments, though subtle, are the building blocks of a more emotionally aware and connected relationship.
When to Be Concerned
If alexithymia leads to constant emotional neglect, stonewalling, or emotional abuse, it’s important to protect your well-being. While alexithymia explains emotional challenges, it should never be used to justify dismissive or harmful behavior.
If you often feel unseen, unsafe, or constantly blamed, individual therapy can help you set boundaries and make choices that support your emotional health.
Final Thoughts
Alexithymia can make relationships feel confusing and emotionally distant, but it does not mean love is missing. With understanding, patience, and effort, couples can learn to navigate emotional differences and build deeper intimacy.
The key is empathy, for yourself and your partner. Learning to express and understand emotions is a lifelong process, and progress often happens in small, meaningful steps.
If you or your partner struggle to connect emotionally, Christina Wade can help you uncover the roots of emotional disconnect, learn emotional literacy, and rebuild connection from the inside out. Together, you can transform emotional silence into understanding, trust, and love.
