Practical, compassionate steps to help you and your partner get the most from therapy One clear autumn night in Noe Valley, Lena and Priya sat on the stoop outside their apartment and replayed the same argument over and over. It had started about something small, forgotten plans, and escalated into three nights of cold silences and slammed doors. At 2 a.m., both reached for their phones and typed the same search: “couples therapist near San Mateo, CA.” The next day, they called, nervous and relieved at the same time. That first intake call felt awkward but honest, and three months later, they described their therapy as the place where they learned how to argue without erasing each other, and thought about how to prepare for couples therapy before each session.
If you are thinking about starting couples therapy at San Mateo , you are not alone—the way you prepare matters. How you enter the room affects how quickly you can build safety, trust, and real change. Below are evidence-informed, experience-tested steps and couples therapy tips to help you and your partner show up ready.
Before you call: ground work you can do at home
- Reflect individually. Spend 20–30 minutes on your own writing down the top three patterns you notice in the relationship. Use specific recent moments. What happens right before conflict? What do you fear most? What do you miss? This helps you give your therapist concrete material and prevents sessions from being vague.
- Talk briefly with your partner about whether you both want therapy and what each of you hopes to achieve. You do not need to agree on every detail. Even saying “I want to feel less alone” or “I want us to argue without shouting” is useful.
- Decide logistics: when might you be able to attend weekly sessions? If schedules are tight,online couple therapy may be an option. At my practice I offer evening telehealth sessions to accommodate busy work lives.
These small steps lower anxiety and make the intake call smoother.
Tip 1 — Clarify shared goals and your personal goals
Many couples come with different objectives. One partner wants better communication; the other wants concrete behavior change like shared chores. Spend time separately identifying your personal goals and then come together to map two to three shared goals.
Why this helps : therapists can design interventions that serve both people. A good goal is specific and observable. Instead of “we want to be happier,” a better goal would be “we want to reduce nightly arguments about finances to once a month” or “we want to reestablish weekly check-in time.” Specific goals make progress measurable and reduce the sense that therapy is an amorphous obligation.
Practical exercise : each partner writes three goals and swaps them. Read the other person’s goals aloud and paraphrase what you heard. This begins the practice of active listening before the first session.
Tip 2 — Gather Helpful Information to Bring to the First Session
A little preparation helps your therapist understand the relationship more quickly and thoroughly. How to prepare for couples therapy includes having key details ready, which allows Christina (or any therapist) to spend less time collecting background and more time exploring solutions.
Consider bringing, or at least being ready to share:
A short timeline of major relationship events – when you met, big moves, life milestones, significant fights, or losses.
This helps the therapist see patterns and turning points.
Examples of recurring conflicts – write down a few recent incidents you’d like to explore.
Specific situations make it easier to uncover communication habits and emotional triggers.
Relevant mental health or medical history – current medications, diagnoses, or past therapy experiences can influence relationship dynamics.
Questions for the therapist – such as policies on cancellations, fees, or confidentiality.
Knowing these details upfront eases practical worries so you can focus on connection.
Creating a simple timeline can be especially powerful if trauma or past hurts influence current patterns.
It doesn’t have to be perfect; even a few key dates or memories give the therapist a helpful roadmap.
Tip 3 — Practical logistics: scheduling, fees, and insurance
Before your first session, decide practicalities so money and timing do not become a stressor in therapy.
- Frequency: most couples start weekly and shift to biweekly as things stabilize.
- Session length: 50 minutes is standard, but some couples prefer 75-minute sessions for deeper work. I offer both.
- Payment: know the session fee, sliding scale availability, and whether your insurance is accepted. I accept Aetna, Carelon, and Quest Behavioral Health, and I provide superbills for out-of-network reimbursement.
- Telehealth vs in-person: telehealth increases flexibility and can be highly effective; decide what feels safest for both partners.
Tip : if finances feel tight, ask about a short-term reduced fee plan.
Tip 4 — How to communicate effectively in sessions
Therapy is a laboratory for new communication habits. Learning to speak and listen differently is a core skill.
- Use “I” statements to describe your experience and avoid assigning intent. For example, say “I feel unseen when plans change without discussion” instead of “You never include me.”
- Time-limited talking turns: agree to 3–4 minutes per turn to help reduce interruptions. I often introduce a timer so both partners feel equal space.
- Reflective listening: after your partner speaks, summarize briefly what you heard before responding. This signals understanding and calms escalation.
- Name emotions: labeling emotions such as (sad, scared, exhausted) reduces blame and increases compassion.
Practicing these techniques in-session makes them easier to use at home.
Tip 5 — Action steps for everyday life
Many couples balk at the word “homework.” I call them Action Steps. These are brief, doable activities that reinforce therapy between sessions.
Examples:
- Weekly 10-minute “State of the Union” check-in where you share one highlight and one struggle.
- A “connect practice” such as a five-minute evening gratitude exchange.
- A pre-planned “cool down” routine when arguments escalate (agree on a time-out signal and a reconnection plan).
- One micro- behavioral change (e.g., one partner handles dinner clean-up twice a week).
Action Steps should be small, measurable, and compassionate. Track them and bring observations to the next session rather than grading success or failure.
Tip 6 — Set realistic expectations and pace the work
Therapy is not a quick fix. It is a process that often unfolds in phases: stabilization, deeper processing, and maintenance. Early work centered on safety and communication. Mid-phase work may address attachment wounds, grief, or trust repair. Later work focuses on sustaining gains. Knowing how to prepare for couples therapy can help you navigate each phase more effectively.
Agree with your partner on a review point, such as after 6 sessions, to evaluate progress and adjust frequency. This reduces the anxiety that therapy will be endless. Many couples find that after initial intensive work, monthly or quarterly check-ins keep skills fresh and prevent relapse.
Tip 7 — Safety, individual support, and when to seek extra help
Not all relationship problems are best addressed only in couples sessions. If there is active substance misuse, ongoing domestic violence, or suicidal ideation, individual therapy and crisis resources must be prioritized. Couples therapy does not replace safety planning.
If any conversation feels unsafe, pause and seek individual support. I can coordinate referrals and support individual therapy alongside couples work. Safety is the first priority.
What you can expect in the first three sessions
First Session – Intake & Goal Setting: You’ll share a brief story of your relationship and discuss what feels most urgent, while your therapist works to create a safe, supportive space.
Second Session – Patterns & Skills: Together, you’ll identify key relationship patterns and begin practicing foundational tools, such as reflective listening or short “repair scripts.”
Third Session – Focused Change & Action Steps: The therapist will guide you to target a specific area of change and set practical action steps for home practice.
Note: Every therapist has their own style and structure. This is just a general outline to help you know what to expect.
Final thoughts and next steps
Preparing for couples therapy is an act of care for your relationship. Thoughtful reflection, clear goals, practical planning, and simple Action Steps create conditions for steady progress. Therapy is a partnership. Knowing how to prepare for couples therapy helps the time you spend in the room translate more quickly into life-change outside the room.
If you are in the Bay Area and want a warm, trauma-informed, queer-affirming space to do this work, I offer a free 15-minute consultation to see if we are a good fit. My couples sessions are $200. I accept Aetna, Carelon Behavioral Health, and Quest Behavioral Health and provide superbills for out-of-network reimbursement. Evening telehealth appointments make it easier for busy schedules.
Book a free 15-minute consultation:
Phone: 510-686-3839
Email: cwade.consultation@gmail.com
You do not have to fix everything at once. Start with one small step. The first conversation can be the beginning of a kinder way of being together.
